Finding joy in darkness

Well, I've been in this dry desert place for several weeks and I'm very thirsty! Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally,financially....thirsty.

Life seems to be a constant ebb and flow....up and down...bright and dim. What is a mom to do when you feel...dry, down,bummed?
I'm sure every mommy goes through a season of the "blues". My "blues" start at around the 3rd week of November and don't lift until early spring...and I never had the "blues" before Hannah's death. I wonder if this is something that I will always endure while being on this earth?

Well, while I'm going through the "blues" I listen to uplifting praise songs, read my Bible, pray, and really just ask the Lord to lift me out of this place so that I can see His face again.

I often wished I could have another baby, not that a new baby would replace Hannah but he/she would take the empty space and fill it again. I know of some other women that went on to have another baby after the loss of a child. They seem (atleast on the outside) to be joyful again. In fact, I've never met a women in my shoes...you know, who's last child passed away at an early age and never had another child. Maybe one day I can meet a women like me and she can help me see what I'm not seeing!

It's just I didn't get the chance to gracefully let go of Hannah moment by moment, its just that death makes you feel like your loved one was stolen....snatched right out of your arms leaving your empty armed and broken hearted. Almost like running 95 mph into a brick wall...face first!

People think that you should just be "over it" in a year or 2 and be back into life full force. Life isn't a fairy tale....is it? Am I looking through black tinted glasses? Is my head buried in the grave?

I don't know...my arms seem...empty? My lap seems....cold? My heart fills...incomplete? My hands feel....less useful?

I know I sound very ungrateful to some people...but I'm not. I've been very blessed with my other 4 children. Perhaps one day I can... wake up day after day seeing Gods perspective on every happening in life.

Until next time! Squeeze your booger tight tonight and thank the Lord for such a blessing!!


PS: What gets me through my "blues" is knowing and believing that the Lord is in control, wrote Hannah's story, wasn't surprised when she went Home, and isn't surprised by "dark colored glasses".