(this post may be disturbing, but it's honest and something that I personally experienced.)
When Hannah went home, thoughts and emotions didn't make sense. Nothing made 'sense' and all I could think about was I needed to make sure Hannah had 'everything'...that I made sure she was cared for; clothed right, handled right, buried right.
Never in a MILLION years could any human mind conceive the emotions, the deep inner emotions, that surface when you are preparing to bury your child.
One way I coped with Hannah's passing, was to 'jump' right into trying to find a 'new normal'..yet struggled with guilt doing so. One day, shortly after her passing, I remember saying (for no apparent reason) that I was determined
NOT to let Satan have a field day with my emotions. I was determine to be honest with God about how I felt and to be open and accepting to whatever He had to show about
how to walk through this journey with Him.
I did more crawling than I did walking during the first 3 years. The Lord is gracious, caring. He is my counselor and my best friend.
During the time of her passing, we were financially and emotionally broke. My husband and I were living in extreme poverty. We had Hannah buried at the foot of my Father's parents, in a plot that was paid for over 30 years before. Family members far and near came together to pay for the burial. We could not afford a real funeral, so we had a graveside service. I remember it was very cold outside, and was lightly snowing.
I remember feeling like I 'needed' to finish...finish what, I don't know..I just remember needing to get her a head stone. Again, we had zero dollars and no way of changing that.
Family members from all of the United States (seriously) and community services that I had never even heard of, starting pulling together. They donated money to put towards her stone, they purchased Christmas presents for my family. The took us food and some how, God provided what my husband and I could not...emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If nothing else was apparent, it was the fact that people were praying for us.
I received many gifts, but 3 have been part of my healing process (yes, I'm still healing):
1. New King James version of the Bible
2. The book listed on the left side of this blog: "Mommy Please Don't Cry..."
3. Listening ears! No one felt they needed to say anything to me...they just listened. They were there! That is HUGE in the healing process!
My 4 living daughters were very young when Hannah went home and I would sit and read this book with them, and cry, and they would take their chubby little hands and wipe away my tears.
To this day, we still read through this book!
Their Healing:
*I encouraged each child to talk to me about how they felt.
*I let them know that my tears were of sadness, but also joy because Jesus made a way for her to be ALIVE in Heaven. That death was NOT the end of Hannah, but the BEGINNING of who she really was meant to be! Yes, maybe that was too deep for them at that young age, but you know what...they remember that time. They believe Jesus is who He says He is!
*I encouraged each daughter to journal, or draw pictures, or tell me what to write for them. We still have these items.
*I kept what clothes Hannah had...they are in my dresser. I allowed my daughters to play in her clothes and put them on their baby dolls whenever they wanted.
Our Tears:
They matter to Jesus! What a blessed day it will be when we can see Jesus and our loved ones, again.
Revelation 21:4 " And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."
Oh, and on a closing note...it has been a blessing to those of you who have taken the time to clean and decorate Hannah's stone. My family and I will always be grateful. You made us smile!
