Meet Hannah and Her Sisters- Easter 2001

Little did I know that this would be our only Easter with Hannah. The month of Easter was tough because all 5 girls had chicken pox! At the moment I wasn't able to see any blessing from that, but you thinking back, that was just a sweet time for me. You see, I had an entire month where I was able to stay home and take care of my babies. 

On April 1st 2002- (5 months after Hannah went home) 

It was April Fools Day. My husband called me while I was out with my mom and a sister, and told me that our landlord had just called and said we needed to find a new home. That he has just sold our rental! The rental was NOT even for sale! 

You can't tell me the Lord doesn't answer prayer! You see, I had been praying that the Lord would move us..I didn't care where or how, just that we could move.

Talk about an answer to pray...in a weird sort of way...because I could not BARE to live in that house anymore. You know what happened to that old house?? It was purchased and knocked down, it is now a field of green grass. When I drive past our old spot, I am reminded of God's grace, and how far He has brought me.. from the depth of despair and pain...to be able to breathe again!

Death sucks less when you know Jesus, who takes away our pain!

I have more pictures on my facebook profile page, but I couldn't close out my posts without sharing with you my little Fishy family ;)


At the time of this photo, all 5 of my little ones just has just gotten over chicken pox! We spent the ENTIRE month of April in the house, trying to get over those stinkin' pox! LOL


In the picture: (left to right) Savannah age 22 months old, Sierra age 6, Angelika age 8 (holding) Hannah age 7 months, Autumn age 4


I have learned that God is Good, All the Time! Even though Life is not.

The Way it Was (part 2)

(this post may be disturbing, but it's honest and something that I personally experienced.)

When Hannah went home, thoughts and emotions didn't make sense. Nothing made 'sense' and all I could think about was I needed to make sure Hannah had 'everything'...that I made sure she was cared for; clothed right, handled right, buried right.
Never in a MILLION years could any human mind conceive the emotions, the deep inner emotions, that surface when you are preparing to bury your child.

One way I coped with Hannah's passing, was to 'jump' right into trying to find a 'new normal'..yet struggled with guilt doing so. One day, shortly after her passing, I remember saying (for no apparent reason) that I was determined NOT to let Satan have a field day with my emotions. I was determine to be honest with God about how I felt and to be open and accepting to whatever He had to show about how to walk through this journey with Him.

I did more crawling than I did walking during the first 3 years. The Lord is gracious, caring. He is my counselor and my best friend.

During the time of her passing, we were financially and emotionally broke. My husband and I were living in extreme poverty. We had Hannah buried at the foot of my Father's parents, in a plot that was paid for over 30 years before. Family members far and near came together to pay for the burial. We could not afford a real funeral, so we had a graveside service. I remember it was very cold outside, and was lightly snowing.

I remember feeling like I 'needed' to finish...finish what, I don't know..I just remember needing to get her a head stone. Again, we had zero dollars and no way of changing that.

Family members from all of the United States (seriously) and community services that I had never even heard of, starting pulling together. They donated money to put towards her stone, they purchased Christmas presents for my family. The took us food and some how, God provided what my husband and I could not...emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If nothing else was apparent, it was the fact that people were praying for us.

I received many gifts, but 3 have been part of my healing process (yes, I'm still healing):
1. New King James version of the Bible
2. The book listed on the left side of this blog: "Mommy Please Don't Cry..."
3. Listening ears! No one felt they needed to say anything to me...they just listened. They were there! That is HUGE in the healing process!

My 4 living daughters were very young when Hannah went home and I would sit and read this book with them, and cry, and they would take their chubby little hands and wipe away my tears.
To this day, we still read through this book!

Their Healing:

*I encouraged each child to talk to me about how they felt.
*I let them know that my tears were of sadness, but also joy because Jesus made a way for her to be ALIVE in Heaven. That death was NOT the end of Hannah, but the BEGINNING of who she really was meant to be! Yes, maybe that was too deep for them at that young age, but you know what...they remember that time. They believe Jesus is who He says He is!
*I encouraged each daughter to journal, or draw pictures, or tell me what to write for them. We still have these items.
*I kept what clothes Hannah had...they are in my dresser. I allowed my daughters to play in her clothes and put them on their baby dolls whenever they wanted.

Our Tears:

They matter to Jesus! What a blessed day it will be when we can see Jesus and our loved ones, again.

Revelation 21:4 " And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

Oh, and on a closing note...it has been a blessing to those of you who have taken the time to clean and decorate Hannah's stone. My family and I will always be grateful. You made us smile! 

The World of Brokenness- When Hannah Went Home

This post is from my point of view about grief.

Who is Hannah Grace?

When Hannah went home, it was 4 days after Thanksgiving, she was 14 months old.

On most years, her date of passing lands on Thanksgiving (here in the USA)...that date, November 26, 2001. Being "thankful" took on a new meaning to my family and I and we learned (not so quickly) what it is to TRULY be thankful despite what current circumstance are or life changes have taken place. 

(Psalm 92:1 KJV)"It is good to give thanks unto the Lord, and to sing praises unto thy name, O most High:"

Hannah was our youngest child, our 5th daughter to be exact. She was loved as much as our first 4 children and the most happiest of them all. Hannah was healthy, loving, fun, what most deem to be a "good baby". Her smile made the stresses of life melt away.

After being misdiagnosed for 3 consecutive months, it was only after her last hour of life, that she was properly diagnosed with Myocarditis (inflammation of the heart due to the pneumonia virus.) Note, she did NOT have pneumonia.

Grief:

What can I say...it sucks! Grief knows no boundaries; young,old,rich,poor...it's deep and wide. There's no stopping it. It comes in the form of losing a job,saying good-bye to someone you love, having your pet die, losing your identity that might have been formed with a career, good grades, a dream for your life or your family.

Grief hurts. It's the daily reminder that your life is changed FOREVER. You will never be the same. There has to be a new "normal" that must be developed over time. 

A heart that has been broken is like a garden; you have to be careful who tends it, what nutrients you are putting in and pull the weeds immediately. Allowing time and the master gardener to properly care and tend its ways.

Darkness:

When Hannah went home, I couldn't see "right". What I saw with my eyes, wasn't the true reflection that it should have been. My reality wasn't that of others. I couldn't see the sun-that didn't mean it wasn't there. I couldn't see the world or family the way I had before. Everything was as if I had been looking through very dark sunglasses, as if the world went on "high speed and slow motion", at the same time. Like an amusement ride merry-go-round; when you focus in on the seat your sitting on things appeared up close and in slow motion, but if you tried to look past your "seat" things were blurry, fast, sickening & loud.

I wanted to stand still and catch my breathe, but knew I had to keep moving forward... not allow myself to stay "standing above her grave". Living as if time stopped when she went home. 

(Psalm 119:105)"Thy word is a LAMP unto my FEET, and a LIGHT unto my PATH."

When Hannah went home I was in my last year of college, she went home during our winter break..when school started again, I had to make myself go back. I was searching for normality again...what I found was more of God's grace. I thank Jesus for that every day!

(Psalm 6:6 KJV) "I am weary with my groaning' all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears."

When Hannah went home, my other 4 daughters were ages: 9 yrs, 7yrs,4 yrs, 2yrs.

Things were a blur to me since it was only a few weeks after her passing, but what "woke me up" from the grief-robot like-stage was something that my oldest daughter said to me one night as I was tucking her into bed...she said "Mommy, we won't be a family anymore, will we"? I asked her what she meant by that and she said "Well, all you do is cry and sleep on the couch with Hannah's blanket. She's not coming back. You don't smile anymore and we don't like our house anymore...so since Hannah's not coming back, we won't a family anymore, right."

That second the sunglasses of life came off my eyes and I realized that I had allowed grief to rule my life!

I immediately reassured Angelika that we were indeed are a family and will always be a family because God is our Father and He has Hannah at her real home and that one day, if you choose to ask Jesus in your heart, then you will be able to see her again.

(Psalm 46:2a KJV) "Be still and know that I am God."

The Secret to Healing:

I have learned that:

*Healing takes time. I had to be patient with myself.

*Healing is a choice. Who or what was going to fill my mind & heart.

*Healing is NOT forgetting. I will remember & love my Hannah until I see her again.

*Healing is only found in God. Did I trust God? Did I trust His Word (the Bible).

*Healing is accepting that I still have bad (sorrowful) days and being o.k with it.

God is o.k. with it, he comforts those who weep and since God is greater than me, then I need to accept that crying spells and missing Hannah so deeply within that it hurts on the outside, is o.k.

(Psalm 30: 5b KJV) "weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

In fact, I believe it takes a person to acknowledge their grief and take it DIRECTLY to the Lord honestly in order to truly heal. 

(Psalm 23:45b KJV) "the veil of the temple was rent (torn) in the midst." 

Time-

There's never enough and we always want more. This side Heaven we get "what we get" and throwing a fit doesn't make a difference! So I'm learning every day to "spend" the time God has given me as wisely as possible.

(Psalm 90:12 KJV)"So teach us to number our days so that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom."

I can only get this wisdom by "spending" time with God in quiet fellowship daily, whether 5 minutes or an hour. 

(Study Proverbs if you would like to know more about God's Word on true wisdom.)

I have found that I pray "without ceasing"; while I'm working, driving, at school functions...where ever and what ever, He is with me all the time.

(1 Thessalonians 5:17) "Pray without ceasing." 

 The Journey Continues-

• There are days I feel like a flighty- brained person, my thoughts are not focused on the task at hand, but I've learned to live with it :) That's my cue to stop, look and listen. To acknowledge what needs to be seen and accepted.

• The Lord has sent many people into my life at just the perfect time; most of whom I don't know on a personal level and have not seen or talked since out initial meeting, but none the less, they hold a place in my life that I will always remember.

•  know and believe that God is not a God of chance, but that everything under the sun is allowed for our purpose and good. No matter what we "think" or "feel". This is where true faith comes in.
• I will never be complete this side of Heaven. I'm o.k. with that! 

Right now I am listening to Dr. David Jeremiah on CD called: "Revealing The Mysteries of Heaven." This man is certainly being used by God to speak life into parts of my heart that have not been touched before, and for that, I am truly thankful. 

FYI- There is only one God, only one way to God (I don't care what celebrity know-it-all tells you), who lives in Heaven and that way is called "Jesus". He is the One who paid your debt of sin to God, there is NOTHING you can do to EARN your way, your crown of life, or your place in Heaven. 

Do you know why Jesus took your spot on the cross? Do you really think that if Jesus did not have to die for you, wouldn't He have chosen the same path every person on earth has chosen? 

Salvation- 

"It" came from a virgin birth, then wrapped in cloth, laid in a feeding bin! His name is Jesus. Simply stated, simply true, simple enough to believe. 

Jesus, He loved you before you even knew yourself! 

Jesus, is not bound by time. 

Since God is the Creator of ALL THINGS, then you need to go to Him to find out what He says about salvation, your life depends on it. Look it up for yourself and ask God to help you see the truth no matter what you've been taught.

RESOURCES:

King James Version was used for my post. 

Are you good enough to go to Heaven? TheGoodTest 

Devotional: Our Daily Bread 

Radio and Magazine: Focus on the Family