Long time ......

It's been a crazy, blessed, busy year. My daughters and I are looking forward to a new Autumn season, while enjoying the rest of summer.

Where life has taken us.......

Well, the Lord opened the door for my two youngest to attend a local private school, we are all looking forward to that! I've come to terms with the fact that my season of home-schooling has come to an end and may never be a journey I walk again. At times I'm full of sorrow thinking how fast my children have grown up, yet I'm so excited to be a part of watching them grow into Godly young women.

This summer we've spent quite a bit of time visiting Epilepsy specialists in Cleveland. It's been a long road trying to find the right medicine for Ms.Angel and Ms.Sav (not their real names) that will control their seizures without a lot of side effects. I'm praying that the new medicine that they are both on will be well tolerated, right now they are both experiencing headaches and upset stomachs. The doctors said that over time both symptoms should diminish.

Pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to Him for the lives of your children. ~ Lamentations 2:19

Last week was Ms.Sav's week to stay at Rainbow Babies and Children for observation and testing. Within 24 hours of taking new medicine her tests showed a decrease in seizures, we are praising God!

In August it will be Ms.Angel's turn to stay for a week. I pray that the Lord will always remind me of a few things:

1. That He is God and controller of everything.

2. That He is bigger than my problems, heartaches and doubts.

3. That He is not surprised when 'life' takes a different turn than what His children expect.

4. That He is my personal Savior; my Prince of Peace...and is always willing and able to walk this journey with me.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13

Life Never Stays the Same

How I Know I'm Going To Heaven


I was very blessed to be raised in a Born Again Christian home, where my parents walked the walk and not just talked the talk. I was one of the lucky kids to be able to go to a Christian school for a few years. I didn't realize how important those few years would be until I was much older.

I got saved when I was 5 years old. I remember learning about who Jesus was and what hell was like and that Jesus came to save me. I knew everyone was a sinner and that meant me too!

One night at church I told my dad that I needed to go ask Jesus in heart and to forgive me of my sins because I didn't want to go to hell. I was a good girl but not good enough! http://www.livingwaters.com/good/

I remember getting baptized too! That was scary and cool! I thought I was going to drown in the baptismal but mom reassured me that I would be fine :)

FAST FORWARD:

I found myself a 25 year old married women with 5 kids and a lousy marriage. Trying to attend college full time...be the bread winner and trying to change so husband would 'change'. I carried the weight of my teen year choices and felt I needed to change everything that was wrong. Some how 'fix' everything that was broken.

JULY 4, 2001
It was a beautiful sunny, warm day outside, but inside...it was a cold, stoney, and full of stress. Trying to figure out how I could enjoy that day I brushed a side the marital turmoil and took the kids outside to enjoy the sun. I figured we had each other and the Lord had a plan.

It was the first time in a long while I was able to finish a book in one setting! It was titled "The Prayer of Jabez". I don't remember too much of the book (sorry it's been 10 years ago that I read it!) but I do remember what happened by the last page.


The 4 older kids were playing in the fenced in yard and baby Hannah was on my lap. As I lay the book aside I was completely convicted that I was doing the job of the Lord. It was clear that I had taken on the responsibility of being in charge of everything for everyone, not that any particular person ever asked me too.


The Lord was with me that day. I remember talking to Him (not in an audible voice) reassuring me that He still loved me and that I hadn't ruined anything.

It was done! I rededicated my life and haven't looked back.

That night my old daughter and I were able to watch the fireworks from our backyard. It was a great ending to a perfect day!

TESTS!

I was never any good at taking tests...mostly I passed but not without anxiety, stress or lack of courage. Multiple choice and True or False were the worse! It's ironic how God uses tests in the lives of His children. Once such test had came at Thanksgiving that year.


GRACE

Hannah Grace was 14 months old and not doing to well. Known of the 5 doctors could figure out why she kept getting sick. Always doubting what to treat her for...she'd take well to antibiotics most times. Other times she'd need at home breathing treatments every few hours.

Thanksgiving wasn't real great, we stayed home with the 5 kids that day. I couldn't get Hannah to eat anything for me. I called my doctor while he was at home and he said to bring her in the next day.

The weekend was sad.

Sunday came. We sat at the ER for over 12 hours, Hannah slowly lost consciousnesses. Me and her, alone in the room with the door shut and quietness.

Jesus was there.


New doctor arrived on his shift. A heart specialist! He called Life Flight right away. Hannah woke up and smiled (after sleeping for 12 hours) at me, my mom and husband before being lifted in the helicopter.


Monday the sunrise was so bright and beautiful. A reminder of a new day.

Hannah went home. Jesus was there.


TODAY:

You can see Hannah's smiling face in most pictures throughout my home. She is a physical reminder of God's promises. Promises made flesh through Jesus Christ. No one else. Just Jesus!

Who's Jesus to you?
http://www.cbn.com/stepstopeace/



Being a single mom is tough. Jesus is here! That means I'm not alone.

xoxo

Steph

Life's Measuring Stick of Fairness

There's one statement that gets my attention faster than anything else I've heard and that's the "It's not fair" statement.

You know, the one your children have probably thrown at you in the heat of the moment when you ask them to clean the bathroom and they feel its not "fair I have to clean the families bathroom, its not my mess" statement.


I answer my children in a stern, loving, truthful way and say

"Life isn't fair and it's not circus either."

They actually hate when I say that! There's a lot of truth in that statement, after all, isn't a fair and a circus purchased entertainment where you get to sit on the sidelines and pay the performers to entertain you (to serve you)?

I know I don't want to be the one sitting on the sideline of life. I want to be out there being who God created me to be. I don't want to pay someone to do my service for me...besides when you are the one out their serving you are being entertained by something much more profound...something deeper in your soul than entertainment can bring.


SOAPBOX BREAK?
Besides, who created life's "fairness" measuring stick? I've never seen one that appeals to me. If life is fair for me, does that mean its not fair for someone else? Doesn't each individual decide what they deem is fair for their own life? I know I wouldn't want someone to tell me what they think fairness for my life should or shouldn't be, would you?

QUESTION BREAK

*Was it fair that Jesus had to die on a cross to pay for my debt of sin?
*Was it fair that Jesus had to be separated from God during the time of His crucifixion so I (you, the whole world) could go to Heaven?
*Was it fair to the parent who's child died, through no fault of their own?

ENDING
My goal as a parent is to get my children to see how selfish the "Its not fair" statement is and to take their eyes off of their self and see the world how another person views it. To have a servants heart and not live life on the sidelines thinking they hold "Life's Measuring Stick of Fairness".

Heart Condition Detected

Since the passing of my youngest daughter, Hannah, I've become interested in the human heart. As I was searching for answers to her physical illness the Lord pressed upon me the spiritual illness we all have. See, the Lord showed me during one of my darkest hours, that all of us have a heart condition that we can do nothing about, at least not on our own. We all must come to the real 'physician' (the Lord) for our heart condition to be healed.

Here is a list of NKJV bible verses on the 'heart':
Heart(s): figuratively, the seat of emotions; sometimes translated "mind" or "soul".
Gen 6:5
1 Sam. 2:1; 16:7
1 Kings 11:4
Jb 16:13
Ps 7:9
Ps 16:7
Ps 45:1
Ps 101:4
Ps 101:5
Ps 111:1
Proverbs 23:7; 27:19; 28:26
Eccl 7:4; 8:5
Song of Solomon 5:4
Is 1:5
Jer 17:9;24:7
Ez 11:19: 18:31
Mal 4:6
Mt 5:8; 6:21; 15:19
Lk 21:26
Jn 7:38; 14:1
Acts 5:3
Rom 10:9
Phil 4:7
Col 3:15
Philemon 20 "refresh my heart in the Lord"
1 John 3:17

Hope in Hurtful Times by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis wrote this regarding the role of suffering and trials in our life.

"At first I am overwhelmed, and all my little happiness's look like broken toys. Then, slowly and reluctantly, bit by bit, I try to bring myself into the frame of mind that I should be in at all times. I remind myself that all these toys were never intended to possess my heart, that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is Christ. And perhaps, by God's grace, I succeed, and for a day or two become a creature consciously dependent on God and drawing its strength from the right sources. But the moment the threat is withdrawn, my whole nature leaps back to the toys."

Bible Verses on Grief

Genesis 50:1-11
Judges 11:34-35
2 Samuel 1:11-12
Job 1:20-22, 3:23-26
Nehemiah 1:4
Matthew 14:13-14

What grief is in your life today? The death of a loved one? The loss of a job? Divorce? Did you walk away from God and are now suffering the consequences of your choice?

God's love for you has never changed, He has never "written you off". He does not change like the wind or our inner emotions.
Trust Him for who He says He is

"Jesus said to him "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Meet Hannah and Her Sisters- Easter 2001

Little did I know that this would be our only Easter with Hannah. The month of Easter was tough because all 5 girls had chicken pox! At the moment I wasn't able to see any blessing from that, but you thinking back, that was just a sweet time for me. You see, I had an entire month where I was able to stay home and take care of my babies. 

On April 1st 2002- (5 months after Hannah went home) 

It was April Fools Day. My husband called me while I was out with my mom and a sister, and told me that our landlord had just called and said we needed to find a new home. That he has just sold our rental! The rental was NOT even for sale! 

You can't tell me the Lord doesn't answer prayer! You see, I had been praying that the Lord would move us..I didn't care where or how, just that we could move.

Talk about an answer to pray...in a weird sort of way...because I could not BARE to live in that house anymore. You know what happened to that old house?? It was purchased and knocked down, it is now a field of green grass. When I drive past our old spot, I am reminded of God's grace, and how far He has brought me.. from the depth of despair and pain...to be able to breathe again!

Death sucks less when you know Jesus, who takes away our pain!

I have more pictures on my facebook profile page, but I couldn't close out my posts without sharing with you my little Fishy family ;)


At the time of this photo, all 5 of my little ones just has just gotten over chicken pox! We spent the ENTIRE month of April in the house, trying to get over those stinkin' pox! LOL


In the picture: (left to right) Savannah age 22 months old, Sierra age 6, Angelika age 8 (holding) Hannah age 7 months, Autumn age 4


I have learned that God is Good, All the Time! Even though Life is not.

The Way it Was (part 2)

(this post may be disturbing, but it's honest and something that I personally experienced.)

When Hannah went home, thoughts and emotions didn't make sense. Nothing made 'sense' and all I could think about was I needed to make sure Hannah had 'everything'...that I made sure she was cared for; clothed right, handled right, buried right.
Never in a MILLION years could any human mind conceive the emotions, the deep inner emotions, that surface when you are preparing to bury your child.

One way I coped with Hannah's passing, was to 'jump' right into trying to find a 'new normal'..yet struggled with guilt doing so. One day, shortly after her passing, I remember saying (for no apparent reason) that I was determined NOT to let Satan have a field day with my emotions. I was determine to be honest with God about how I felt and to be open and accepting to whatever He had to show about how to walk through this journey with Him.

I did more crawling than I did walking during the first 3 years. The Lord is gracious, caring. He is my counselor and my best friend.

During the time of her passing, we were financially and emotionally broke. My husband and I were living in extreme poverty. We had Hannah buried at the foot of my Father's parents, in a plot that was paid for over 30 years before. Family members far and near came together to pay for the burial. We could not afford a real funeral, so we had a graveside service. I remember it was very cold outside, and was lightly snowing.

I remember feeling like I 'needed' to finish...finish what, I don't know..I just remember needing to get her a head stone. Again, we had zero dollars and no way of changing that.

Family members from all of the United States (seriously) and community services that I had never even heard of, starting pulling together. They donated money to put towards her stone, they purchased Christmas presents for my family. The took us food and some how, God provided what my husband and I could not...emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If nothing else was apparent, it was the fact that people were praying for us.

I received many gifts, but 3 have been part of my healing process (yes, I'm still healing):
1. New King James version of the Bible
2. The book listed on the left side of this blog: "Mommy Please Don't Cry..."
3. Listening ears! No one felt they needed to say anything to me...they just listened. They were there! That is HUGE in the healing process!

My 4 living daughters were very young when Hannah went home and I would sit and read this book with them, and cry, and they would take their chubby little hands and wipe away my tears.
To this day, we still read through this book!

Their Healing:

*I encouraged each child to talk to me about how they felt.
*I let them know that my tears were of sadness, but also joy because Jesus made a way for her to be ALIVE in Heaven. That death was NOT the end of Hannah, but the BEGINNING of who she really was meant to be! Yes, maybe that was too deep for them at that young age, but you know what...they remember that time. They believe Jesus is who He says He is!
*I encouraged each daughter to journal, or draw pictures, or tell me what to write for them. We still have these items.
*I kept what clothes Hannah had...they are in my dresser. I allowed my daughters to play in her clothes and put them on their baby dolls whenever they wanted.

Our Tears:

They matter to Jesus! What a blessed day it will be when we can see Jesus and our loved ones, again.

Revelation 21:4 " And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away."

Oh, and on a closing note...it has been a blessing to those of you who have taken the time to clean and decorate Hannah's stone. My family and I will always be grateful. You made us smile!